17 years I spent hardly hearing her greet me a Happy Birthday. I hardly even heard her say she loved me. 10 wholesome years after that, I spent painstakingly fixing the damage. Of course I got it wrong a few times – trying to grow my own family, or label people so I could feel like I belonged to someone. Looking back, I now realize that in all of that ‘tending to my heart’, the purest reason for my longing wasn’t just because I was deprived of being loved, but rather – I had so much of my own love that I genuinely wanted to give.
So please, join me on my countdown to my tenth and final year of finding where I fit perfectly and where I am wholeheartedly wanted. I finally found it; in the arms of an amazing man, coupled with a sons’ unconditional acceptance, intertwined with a great network of friends – wrapped beautifully with the peace in my heart.
On about the third month since Carson had been born, a friend had said to me: “I’m just waiting for you to break. You’re going to realize that all of this cooking and bringing back the traditional Asian upbringing – it’s going to ware you out.” Well, if she’s held her breath for the last three and a half years, I hope this week might make her very happy, as this is the second meal I’ve baked a frozen good – Le Enchilada to the left. But no, that does not by any means, mean, that I have broken. What it does mean is that – a 2:45am call time, on a 9o’clock bed time, is not easy. To follow with a gym session, and a quick night class, is not easy either. Then, to conclude thy 17th hour with a dinner mess, an iPad episode, with a book entry, is indeed, again – not easy. So yes, I caved a little. But while I may have skimped on the gourmet meals, I haven’t lost my appetite to convene around the table. And while I may be opting for convenient, it’s really only because I don’t want to entirely give up. The clock ticks faster when you turn ambition into reality, dreams into productions, and bring visions to life. If that’s breaking, then fine. I broke this week. But this Friday, I’m going to bake a chicken.